I've often thought about that statement. I first heard it a few years ago at 'Landmark'...and whenever i feel a little low - that's one've the first things that come to mind.
"There's something to be learnt from this as well."
Being vulnerable. Wanting to be in control, and living in a world where more people like being in control than not - being vulnerable is something i don't feel too often...rather i don't let myself feel too often. But i'm choosing to feel so, cuz of a promise a friend of mine made me make to myself...about being 'me'. And not the 'image' that people often associate with me.
My logic and reasoning to her was that - it's so easy to be that image. That image is a derivative of my personality - my personality or who 'i am' gives who other people percieve me to be. But it is a perception at the end of it all. An image. It isn't me.
And yet i persist with it. Because it gives me comfort. Because it gives me solace. Because it keeps me safe.
And this is my perception. This is my achilles heel.
In Ninjutsu, we go through an initial phase of 'conditioning'. Where you get the living crap kicked out've you. Not till your bones break and all that - it isn't that extreme - but it's tough. To get to a point where you have to take a full blown punch in the gut, or a fist to the side of your face...you do flinch...but then it hurts more.
Because of this conditioning...which happens over and over again...after a certain point, you become very sensitive to a punch or a kick coming in your direction. And you move even before it actually happens - just by sensing it. And this is the same with you punching - cuz you think you've punched the opponent, but he has already moved...and you punch a hole...which is as good as punching a hole through yourself. It's draining. And it's tough. But you have to get beyond that point...where you know it's coming - it might not be as physical as the initial punches - plus you're far more sensitive....but now you have to stand your ground and take it anyway. It's a mental thing. It's a test of resilience...fortitude...and character. The one's who pass this go on to be accepted as students (in the Bujinkan tradition), in my opinion. Only one've the things they have to do :)
The same goes with life. And - bad - relationships. Having a string of them (like i have) puts you in a place where you...over time...become very sensitive to that kind of energy coming your way. So in being oversensitive...you either Block or Counter or Deflect or Evade...but it all starts with absorbing that energy...which you don't do...cuz you don't want to. Choosing to Absorb that energy means dealing with it...means putting yourself in a place where you might not have control...where you might be...vulnerable. Possibly.
It's amazing how little attention we pay to 'energy' in our lives. Food is energy. The air is energy. Walking is energy. People are energy. Most things we take for granted are energy. And yet we take ten steps back when a cat crosses our path or sit for two minutes if we sneeze just before leaving the house (my mum makes me do this!)...or so many other small things to avoid negative energy...while at the same time taking for granted the things we need to do to bring in more positive energy into our lives...
This image doesn't help me. It doesn't work for me. It isn't good for the kind of person i am. Yet i persist with it. Because it is what is popularly accepted. (Because i want to be popular...which is so hollow)
There is a side to me that god has blessed. And i'm eternally grateful to him. The side where i can put my mind to anything and do it exceedingly well - or atleast get to that point - no matter what it takes. I accept that. I accept what it takes. I usually fight it one helluva lot - especially if it's something i really want :P (strange na?) but then i do what it takes to get there.
And then there's this 'image'.
Like fuck. What am i doing?
I've been living without passion in my life for the last 6 months or so...
One half of a year...in my life....like a piece of toast.
I used to write a lot on this blog....talk about my experiences...my life....my feelings...the feelings of others....
today - i feel a little lost.
grappling for 'passion' in my life...grappling for it - in it's absence.
They say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." In this case - i've just...missed my life.
The passion with which i used to sing....dance....'live' life....and not like a paranoid android hooked to a laptop.
There was a time...i loved.....passionately.
Living life itself can be such a dilemma sometimes...who do you live for? Yourself or others? What gives you more joy and satisfaction - seeing a smile on your own face or the cause of a smile on another...
I was so impressionable when i read Ayn Rand the first time...so taken in by Henry Rearden...in 'Atlas Shrugged' ...by his vision and mission in life...by his ideals...his beliefs...
In a strange way, i think i never managed to finish that book cuz...i didn't want it to be over....i wanted to be a part of their lives...and not for them to be in my past...which in a way i carry forward into other areas of life too...where i leave things....incomplete.
Grappling with one's self and one's memory and one's perception of things, events and places is something i used to ponder over for hours on end. Now i'd just love to have a few hours to myself...doing nothing. Seeing noone. Hearing no-one.
And in this yearing to be alone - i've come closer to seeing who i am..and who i cannot run away from being.
I am creative. I am moody. I do want to be the best designer in the world. I do want to drive and own the fastest cars out there. I do want to see, be seen and make love to the most beautiful women in the world. i want to experience life. I want to travel. I want to sing...dance...write....feel....taste....experience...life.
I want. I want. I....it's all about me. My life. Does that make me selfish?
I want to be a business tycoon. Have a chosen the right path to get there. Will i suceed in what i want to do. Where i want to be. What i want to see.
Will i get there?
Questions abound like a maze in my mind...i can only search for simpler questions...the maze is too large to contemplate the existence of answers. And yet - i live a rich life for this very reason.
I'm curios. I want to know.
Life is a beautiful thing and living without passion...
I don't want to be old and smiling because i'm cynical because i didn't life the life i wanted to live. I lived the life other people thought i should live...or expected me to live.
Who cares what they know or don't know about me. Who cares what they judge or don't judge about me. Who cares....
Everyday is a new day in my life. And i waste so much time thinking about what might've been...what could've been...how things can be different now....and so on...
The world seems so clear in the mornings.
Right now, i'm in the early morning of my life - and there is clarity all around. And with it - a sense of peace...and calm.
And stillness within the absolute motion.
Its spring now. Flowers in bloom all around. A cloudless sky.
I sense the heralding of newer challenges, experiences and emotions.
I smile.
This was written by an African kid...
When I Born, I Black
When I grow up, I Black
When I go in the Sun, I Black
When I scared, I Black
When I sick, I Black
And when I die, I Black.
And You White Fellow
When You Born, You
Pink
When You grow up, You
White
When You go in the Sun, You
Red
When You Cold, You
Blue
When You Scared, You
Yellow
When You sick, You
green
And when You die, You
gray
And then You call me colored????
The whole of today i sat and lazed around....actually, that's not true :) ...we had a pooja in the house for which i had to wake up at 8.30 in the morning on sunday to go and pick up the pundits (the religious ones) ...if only i could've slept beyond 9am on one day - but that was not to be...
When i brought them home - after finding out the pooja will go on for approximately 3 hours - i got to know that i can only eat - AFTER - the pooja is finished! ...so i had a glass of doodh, had a bath and settled into the background listening to the pujaris recite the shlokas...i must say, it was one've the most beautiful pooja's i've seen with the little 'temple' looking even more beautiful at the end of the pooja, than it did at the beginning...
Later, once everything was done and i had 'ceremoniously' enough decided to pig out on the delicious food - chole and aloo mutter and puri and paneer - i melted into my comfy bed to lie back and watch Mel Gibson's 'Apocalypto'. It couldn't have been more visually far removed from the days proceedings up until then.
Quite a gruesome film - but gripping. Very well made. Very real. Almost expected of a Mel Gibson epic. A must watch.
The icing on the cake, however, was the conversation i had at the day's end.
10.45 - and i get a call asking to be called to the rescue of a famished stomach, so i rightfully answer the call. Since i'm not in the mood to drive very far, i direct the aforementioned famished stomach to a coffee day barely 5 minutes from my humble abode - and i live on Sarjapur road. (No - it's not a village, even if they speak a different language here)
We had some chai - rather i had chai and watched brownies and ice cream being devoured only to be told, "I'm still hungry". So i guided the (still) aforementioned famished stomach to the Empire in Koramangala and we eventually ended up eating at Desmonds next door.
Where i realized the value of good conversation...and how much of a difference it makes in my life at this point in time.
Another friend of mine said to me earlier in the evening, "As far as your relationships go, you'll only find what you're looking for - or where your mind is at this point in your life. Your life is just a physical manifestation of your thoughts. If you think you have to go through a journey of pain to eventually realize or find the person that you're going to end up with - then that's what will happen. As opposed to you just being in a place where that person will find you - or you'll find that person."
And as i said to the my famished friend over dinner, "Life is just as simple as you want it to be or as complicated as you make it out to be."
....and in talking to her i realized how much i've been looking for the right things in the wrong place...following which she rightly pointed out that i could also be looking for 'the wrong things in the right place'.
:)
...which could possibly be true...
Conversations are always a precursor to great friendships - i believe. And it doesn't always have to be good or great conversation either. With the aforementioned famished stomach (hehe) i didn't believe it would go beyond the first conversation...but fate had other plans.
Great conversations can be as fulfilling as a delicious meal, or coffee on a rainy day, or making love....don't ever miss out on the opportunity of having a quick chat with someone on the subway or down the hallway...you never know where it might lead to.
Ever get the feeling that there are so many people in front of you and yet you can't talk to any one of them?
Or as if you're screaming at the top of your voice and - they can't hear you...like you're talking from behind a glass wall...they're all there...straight ahead....in clear sight...and yet you're invisible to them....
I think that's why i like writing on this blog. Cuz my words go out into space...and there's so much space suddenly...
It's like an explosion of white space...and color...and music...with no time constraints....and all these words floating in space...to take on a life of their own...to be read in whichever order they'd like to be read in...they have an identity of their own...this is their space...
Too many of my words in the physical world are governed by the words coming at me from others...from other places...my words feel confined...they feel scared even...sometimes....but here....
they're free....
they're free to feel...to drink...to sleep...if we can say that typography and type has so much character...and they give words personality...and we agree that words give us soul...they have soul...they do have soul...
they live....they die....they yearn to be free....they're within all of us...waiting to be set free...and yet we confine them...cuz we're scared for them...we're scared for what they might have to face when they meet other words out there...we try and cocoon them....
keep them safe....
and never let them live.
I want to:
Ice-skate
fly
fish
fly fish
go to Rome
buy carpets in Turkey
carve a turkey this christmas
Have a christmas dinner at somebody's house this year
Stand on a cliff
Hold hands with someone and keep spinning
make a movie
write a book
cycle
run a full marathon
watch the olympics - live - at the stadium
serenade to someone
live life completely
have no regrets
sing a love song
read poetry at an underground poetry cafe
swim in a river
own a Maserati
3 villas in europe
make a difference - in someone else's life
justify my existence
satisfy vengeance
kiss passionately
bungee jump
parasail
parachute dive
go to madame tussauds
study pop art
have my own pop art exhibition
study literature
study economics
be a movie critic
scream
eat ice-cream
watch Zero7 in concert
watch Air in concert
watch U2 in concert
go back in time - to the late 80's - and watch Michael Jackson in concert
meet Zubin Mehta
go to the Opera in Italy
Have a candle lit dinner on a Gondola in Venice
Go to Spain
Do a photography exhibition on 'Beautiful Smiles'
teach in Kindergarten or junior school
go to Pakistan...and visit my ancestral home
another list soon...
Dance music sounds so purewhen your're drunk....theres just a crazy animal beat in your body and loud LOUD music kicking into your veins...everything seems very right andlucid and the world can go fuck itself
You think of the past and it can go fuck itself....you think of the futureandeverything you're thinking about it and it isn't worth thinking about...you just have this whole 'screw you' thought.....actually not even that...why do you even care....the world is fullll of people wanting to just fuckeach other...and fuck people over....and then 'sun is shining...theweather is sweet yeah....'
BobMarley is a rocksta...
And so is every other person sweating it out on adancefloor right now....'freedom' isa beautiful thing. Don't be a bitch and disrespect it.
One've the main reasons certain companies lose their way is cuz the light isn't shining brightly on the top (also in referrence to incompetence in top management) - the light is blurred or not in sharp focus...or is distracted from the task at hand.
What is the task at hand?
Staying focussed? Yes. Having a vision? Yes, that too. And all the other stuff you read in self help books and management books and a whole lot of other stuff that fills up reams and reams of pages as part of thousands of case studies and books that hit the market across the globe every year. But most of this stuff is commonsense really. And about getting the job done.
Recently i was sitting with a client who wanted to get an 'Information Memorandum' put together to then give to his VC and banks for possible investment into his enterprise.
He said, "Right now - the only way i make sure i'm not going in a loss is by keeping my rates reasonable to bring in business and my costs low - and the difference amount i'm left with after all costs incurred - is my profit. Which i take out and stash away for safe keeping." A simple, practical way of doing business. Also harks back to the 'Lala' mentality.
Not 'lala' as in sounds you make with your tongue while trying to sing along with a song you don't know the words to - but 'lala' as in a merchant owner or money lendor of some sort - as part of traditional indian enterprises - more notably in villages and the like.
The 'lala' mentality is about - 'making money'. They don't understand 'branding-shanding'.
"Mennu pata hai - ki pasie kaise banande hegene"
Beyond knowing that money is made in a government run mint - you need to know how to make money...and to make money, you need to know the difference between 'money' and 'cash'. 10bucks in hand is worth more than 1000bucks in cheque - cuz you have the 10bucks to fill your stomach now. The 1000 bucks will come to party three days later.
Where does all this link with self-motivation - and the light on top? Well, speaking from personal experience, it's very easy to flounder and let go of something you've worked hard to build - case in point being this little studio i run. Throughout it's short life - i've had a tremendous amount of opportunities come my way - touchwood. And i'm greatful to god for the same. But i havent' capitalized on many of them. Have let a lot of them slip away even. Why? I dunno. Actually i do.
It's cuz just like the seasons change in the year - seasons change in business as well. A formula working for you today, won't necessarily work for you six months down the line. The idea i started this company with 3 years ago has remained the same over the last 3 years - and maybe thats both a good and bad thing.
What the idea is...isn't why i started writing this.
When you start a company - you need to be very clear of what you want - in your life. Having dreams and ambitions and, "this company is my ticket to fame and fortune" is all well and good. But have a plan. In paper - not in stone. But one with numbers, facts - figures. They keep your ground realities more certain. They keep you in check.
Over the last 3 1/2 years i've been through a series of ....difficult....relationships. And a they've pretty much co-incided with the life of this company.
When you're an individual - starting a company and running it on your own - YOU are the company. And the company is you. It's your credibility, your image your word....and all that. But it's all real.
I think too often we choose foolishly. With my relationships - i didn't choose foolishly, it's just that i didn't realize the magnitude of the impact my sometimes inability to balance both work and play - would actually end up having on my work.
Yesterday, i was chatting with someone who said that i'm too hard on myself. That there might be others out there who have accomplished more than me - but going by the rate i'm at, i'll be very accomplished in due course of time.
My thing is - i don't want to just be 'accomplished'. I want to be 'great'. I aspire towards 'greatness'. Of shining like a beacon. Of towering over everyone else. Not for the power - No, not for that. Not for the fame. Not for the fortune.
For the fact that i will be there. Just for that. And the fact that i made it happen - on my own. Not without outside help - but i did it cuz i saw it happening. the vision really is that of a Lenin or a Stalin - a bronze 120foot statue towering over the landscape...in a stoic...vision....seen in the cold bronze eyes.
I guess i'm day dreaming a bit.
The reason these men and others have achieved what they have and continue to do so is because they believed they could. The motivated themselves enough to move - to take a problem and challenge - head on. To say, "Go fuck yourself" when required. And, "I fucked up" when required. No point in knowing how to say one without having the ability to say the other.
It's important to find in you - that which drives you. It's money - great - go make a pile of money. Fame - go be famous. Women - go screw a few hundred. Jack Nicholson has screwed over 2000 - and he has all three.
You want to be Jack Nicholson - then what the fuck - BE JACK NICHOLSON. There's nothing stopping you.
It's important to strike a balance between your personal and professional life - and keep a DISTINCT distance or difference between both. It's a discipline.
Self-Motivation is also a discipline. One that's important to develop. Just like 'Execution' (not killing people) is also a discipline. The ability to get-things-done. Different people have different ways of getting it done - but as long as the job is done, that's all that matters.
Self-Motivation is about being able to be positive - at will. You hand an accident? Your mother died? You just fucked up on a big project and lost a tender?
These are all realities and possibilities. And yet the expression goes, "Grace under fire". Some people shine out bright when the chips are down. If you know one've these people - you in turn are lucky to be shining in that light, because one've the amazing things with these kind of people is that if you are loyal and true - they'll take you with them on the journey. The journey towards living an extraordinary life.
I was once told that, "If you want to live an extraordinary life, you'll have to face extraordinary problems." Which is why when today i'm faced with a seemingly unsurmountable position - i say, "Fuck you, you think you'll get me down? Go fuck yourself first." That might seem more than just a little arrogant - and not really 'realistic' - but it keeps me going. It makes me think. It stops me from wallowing in, "What next?" or "What do i do?". All that shit is just a waste of time - you can't get ahead in life thinking about the past.
I just had an epiphany...
"...you can't get ahead in life thinking about the past."
My thought for the day.
