»me«

I've been spending time with different sets of friends in the recent past...it's nice to meet and spend time with people you with whom you haven't spent too much time in the recent past...or for a while for that matter...

Some've them i've really connected with in certain situations and scenarios...and then at other times - in an everyday scenario...that 'connection' seemed to be missing...isn't there.

That's what happens when you 'play safe'.

I had a tarot card reading yesterday...and the first thing that lady said was that i should control my temper and anger....then she said that i have some 'good times' coming up...and then said that there might be a 'certain someone' i'll meet in due course...and that i just need to be open to it...

Be open...

I watched 'bachna ae haseeno' for the second time a few days back...it's not a half bad movie :P...maybe i could've stopped at watching it once...i think it actually picks up only after the first half hour...so i didn't miss much in missing the first half hour the first time i saw it!

...has some lovely music...

Connections are like fishing rods. You're always trying to net something or waiting for that perfect 'catch'...but that catch usually takes a while to come by...and you need to do it in the right context and frame of mind...or it'll happen in the right context and frame of mind...much of which you create yourself...

Escapism is a bad habit...

What's the point in ruing a missed connection...it might as well be a fishing rod you forgot somewhere...

It used to be so much simpler..when we weren't creatures of need.

i don't like pretense. And i don't like people who pretend.
Soemtimes that includes me - quite honestly. I don't like myself when i'm pretending. Cuz i'm not being me.

I thought of writing and wanted to write immediately...i haven't had this urge in a while..

Why are relationships so complex? Why are there so many complexities we deal with as people? Why do we carry so many things with us from the past? Why do we burden ourselves with something that makes no difference or no impact to our lives in the present? And will never do so in the future either?

"Until i.e. you let it"

Wow...what a truly original observation.

Why do i believe in the human spirit as much as i do? Why do i look for more good in people than bad? Why would i rather look at the good in something thatn look at the bad?

"Are you trying to compensate for something yourself?"

No...maybe this is just how i think. Why should i be apologetic for how i think. How i feel. I feel the way i do right now....and that's how i feel.

I remember it like yesterday when my ex gf dropped me off at a tyre repair place to get it fixed...and i was stalling and delaying her going home...or her going out elsewhere...cuz i knew at the back of my mind she was going to meet someone else. Things were practically over between us anyway...i just kept holding on. Why?

Was it my need to be with her? Or was it my need to just be with someone?

Why do we feel the need to be with someone? So much that we just hold on to a lifeline thrown our way...the 'our' is more replaced by 'me' or 'i' or 'my'....it's such a cliche...to talk about yourself in the third person..

What is it about creation? What is it about the tactile feeling of sensing space...and 'touching' it with your fingertips...of 'smelling' the air...sensing it..feeling it...

What is space about? Between two people....

retracing your steps till you know...

Distance i have to travel...a long long journey...far away...

i can't be stopped by questions.

People ask questions out of curiosity. Out of insecurity. Out of inquisitiveness...

i want to keep writing like i want to keep talking...

the other night i went out with a friend of mine i haven't met in a really long time...and we caught up...and we talked...effortlessly going from one topic to another...cuz there was a perfect understanding and expression of 'space' right there....

no pretence...i was me...she was herself....and we talked and talked and talked...and before you know it - 3 1/2 hours had passed...comfort in being yourself when you know someone and someone knows you...

then why are we so scared to learn...to know...to reach out....is the distance really that great?

is it?














is it....

Joe Dassin - Les Champs ElyseEs lyrics

Je m'baladais sur l'avenue le coeur ouvert à l'inconnu
J'avais envie de dire bonjour à n'importe qui
N'importe qui et ce fut toi, je t'ai dit n'importe quoi
Il suffisait de te parler, pour t'apprivoiser

Aux Champs-Elysées, aux Champs-Elysées
Au soleil, sous la pluie, à midi ou à minuit
Il y a tout ce que vous voulez aux Champs-Elysées

Tu m'as dit "J'ai rendez-vous dans un sous-sol avec des fous
Qui vivent la guitare à la main, du soir au matin"
Alors je t'ai accompagnée, on a chanté, on a dansé
Et l'on n'a même pas pensé à s'embrasser

Hier soir deux inconnus et ce matin sur l'avenue
Deux amoureux tout étourdis par la longue nuit
Et de l'Étoile à la Concorde, un orchestre à mille cordes
Tous les oiseaux du point du jour chantent l'amour

English Translation

I trotted on the avenue my heart opened to the unknowns
I wanted to say hello to no matter whom
No matter whom, it could be you, I'd said anything to you
It was enough to speak to you, just to calm down.

You said to me "I was pinned in a basement with fools
Who live guitar-in-hand from dusk till dawn"
Then I accompanied you, one sang, one danced
Any one who did not even think of embracing oneself

Yesterday evening two unknowns and this morning on the avenue
Two in love all dazed by the long night
And to the Star of Concord, form an orchestra with thousand cords
All the birds at day-break singing for the love

Every situation is an opportunity to condition yourself. Towards a greater end result. Every situation - not of your liking - is an opportunity to make the end picture bigger because it requires that much more work to achieve - not in a self delusional state where the goal is unrealistic. You can't climb Mt.Everest in a dhoti and nothing else - you could in theory, but in fact, chances are you won't get very high before freezing over.

Conditioning.

In the army it's perpetual. Physical...mental...it's a drain. But it's meant to be. It's meant to drain you of every ounce of anything you have remotely left in you - and to make you realize that 'you' are still around.

I've always looked at conditioning as a means to draw strength from within - to know how deep or shallow i am. When you realize that the river doesn't run very deep in certain situations - it's confronting. And it's a realization that you grow from...in theory atleast.

I read this in an email today:
People never say what they think, nor do they think what they say. Truth is that people lie.

A lot of the time conditioning is mixed up with cynicism. Toughening of the self in light of harshness...of absurd situations and circumstances not of your creation.

Sometimes cynicism also is bred of stagnation. Of lack of motion. And in cynicism - the world is to blame. Situations are to blame. 'Reality' is to blame. Not us - not at all. It can't be remotely conceivable that it could be us.

Cynicism also comes from being in the same situation over and over again with the same result. Then again - you are the common factor in all the situations - so maybe you could own up?

That isn't possible in most cases. Cynics are like hardened criminals...conditioned into thinking the way they do - no matter if the conditioning is of their own doing - ultimately it isn't them that is to blame....society is...the world is. It's a social stigma right?

Day in. Day out. Day in. Day out.

Routine.

Follow it.

And it conditions you. It standardizes your thought pattern. Till you're but one clog in the larger machine that is the system that is your thought pattern that is a result of the conditioning over years and years and years - of being you.

Ever get the feeling that there are so many people in front of you and yet you can't talk to any one of them?

Or as if you're screaming at the top of your voice and - they can't hear you...like you're talking from behind a glass wall...they're all there...straight ahead....in clear sight...and yet you're invisible to them....

I think that's why i like writing on this blog. Cuz my words go out into space...and there's so much space suddenly...

It's like an explosion of white space...and color...and music...with no time constraints....and all these words floating in space...to take on a life of their own...to be read in whichever order they'd like to be read in...they have an identity of their own...this is their space...

Too many of my words in the physical world are governed by the words coming at me from others...from other places...my words feel confined...they feel scared even...sometimes....but here....

they're free....

they're free to feel...to drink...to sleep...if we can say that typography and type has so much character...and they give words personality...and we agree that words give us soul...they have soul...they do have soul...

they live....they die....they yearn to be free....they're within all of us...waiting to be set free...and yet we confine them...cuz we're scared for them...we're scared for what they might have to face when they meet other words out there...we try and cocoon them....

keep them safe....

and never let them live.

...why do we end up hurting the very people we care about the most?

And we don't just do it once.

In hurting someone else - we hurt ourselves. And we don't just do it once.

We meet people, get to know them...spend time with them...and hurt them. Or...

I met someone...got to know that someone...spent time with that someone....and hurt that someone. And i can only ever hurt that someone once...because i don't know that someone well enough for there to be a second time.

The closer we get to people...the more second, third and fourth - times there are.

The first time i ever hurt....many years ago....i cried so hard i felt my lungs would cave in...

...and yet pain is the universal healer...the universal bonding agent....the older we get, the more we try and find commonalities in shared pain with others...

we learn to share pain...

"toot-ta kyun nahin....dard ka silsila..."

And yet i do it everyday.

"Acting to me is a true self-expression of my inner desires and helps me connect with my inner self and the many selves there are within others."

All that is cock.

Actually it's true - it's just one way of describing acting.

I miss being on stage. I haven't cuz my head got a bit too swollen - too soon. And i started throwing my weight around - not literally or figuratively...directly - but in my own stupid pompous way.

Yes - i'm pompous....but if you've read enough of this blog...you'll know that to be fairly accurate...but then pomposity has it's reasons for being....

What i love most about acting...........is that first step on stage........after weeks , sometimes months, of rehearsals...workshops...discussions...arguements....points of view...all that.....

just for that one step...

cuz with that one step - the preparation is over. You are deemed to be prepared....to take that step....and deliver....if you then mess up a scene or cues or lines...that's just something that happened in that moment - and ofcourse, to others, it would reflect badly on your preparation or the lack of it...but...i dunno...what i mean to say is - once you take that first step onto stage after all those weeks - you're starting a completely different process of judgement and evaluation....and preparation too :) Cuz by the end of the evening, your director will have his notes hehe...and if you messed up - you'll hear of it for sure!

And that's the amazing part about the whole craft...the learning through exchange...through listening to each other....

"listening on stage" is key to great performances or, "a great actor is one who listens" - according to Alec Guiness...

I wanted to be great - but i gave up too soon. Like many other things in my life. Where i felt like i'd proved whatever i had to - to myself and those around me....and so i needed a different challenge....

...but i think i'm ready to start over. As with a few other things in life....that make me - me.

I love acting...and being on stage...cuz of the many lives you get to experience....get to live...

It's been too long...

One've the main reasons certain companies lose their way is cuz the light isn't shining brightly on the top (also in referrence to incompetence in top management) - the light is blurred or not in sharp focus...or is distracted from the task at hand.

What is the task at hand?

Staying focussed? Yes. Having a vision? Yes, that too. And all the other stuff you read in self help books and management books and a whole lot of other stuff that fills up reams and reams of pages as part of thousands of case studies and books that hit the market across the globe every year. But most of this stuff is commonsense really. And about getting the job done.

Recently i was sitting with a client who wanted to get an 'Information Memorandum' put together to then give to his VC and banks for possible investment into his enterprise.

He said, "Right now - the only way i make sure i'm not going in a loss is by keeping my rates reasonable to bring in business and my costs low - and the difference amount i'm left with after all costs incurred - is my profit. Which i take out and stash away for safe keeping." A simple, practical way of doing business. Also harks back to the 'Lala' mentality.

Not 'lala' as in sounds you make with your tongue while trying to sing along with a song you don't know the words to - but 'lala' as in a merchant owner or money lendor of some sort - as part of traditional indian enterprises - more notably in villages and the like.

The 'lala' mentality is about - 'making money'. They don't understand 'branding-shanding'.

"Mennu pata hai - ki pasie kaise banande hegene"

Beyond knowing that money is made in a government run mint - you need to know how to make money...and to make money, you need to know the difference between 'money' and 'cash'. 10bucks in hand is worth more than 1000bucks in cheque - cuz you have the 10bucks to fill your stomach now. The 1000 bucks will come to party three days later.

Where does all this link with self-motivation - and the light on top? Well, speaking from personal experience, it's very easy to flounder and let go of something you've worked hard to build - case in point being this little studio i run. Throughout it's short life - i've had a tremendous amount of opportunities come my way - touchwood. And i'm greatful to god for the same. But i havent' capitalized on many of them. Have let a lot of them slip away even. Why? I dunno. Actually i do.

It's cuz just like the seasons change in the year - seasons change in business as well. A formula working for you today, won't necessarily work for you six months down the line. The idea i started this company with 3 years ago has remained the same over the last 3 years - and maybe thats both a good and bad thing.

What the idea is...isn't why i started writing this.

When you start a company - you need to be very clear of what you want - in your life. Having dreams and ambitions and, "this company is my ticket to fame and fortune" is all well and good. But have a plan. In paper - not in stone. But one with numbers, facts - figures. They keep your ground realities more certain. They keep you in check.

Over the last 3 1/2 years i've been through a series of ....difficult....relationships. And a they've pretty much co-incided with the life of this company.

When you're an individual - starting a company and running it on your own - YOU are the company. And the company is you. It's your credibility, your image your word....and all that. But it's all real.

I think too often we choose foolishly. With my relationships - i didn't choose foolishly, it's just that i didn't realize the magnitude of the impact my sometimes inability to balance both work and play - would actually end up having on my work.

Yesterday, i was chatting with someone who said that i'm too hard on myself. That there might be others out there who have accomplished more than me - but going by the rate i'm at, i'll be very accomplished in due course of time.

My thing is - i don't want to just be 'accomplished'. I want to be 'great'. I aspire towards 'greatness'. Of shining like a beacon. Of towering over everyone else. Not for the power - No, not for that. Not for the fame. Not for the fortune.

For the fact that i will be there. Just for that. And the fact that i made it happen - on my own. Not without outside help - but i did it cuz i saw it happening. the vision really is that of a Lenin or a Stalin - a bronze 120foot statue towering over the landscape...in a stoic...vision....seen in the cold bronze eyes.

I guess i'm day dreaming a bit.

The reason these men and others have achieved what they have and continue to do so is because they believed they could. The motivated themselves enough to move - to take a problem and challenge - head on. To say, "Go fuck yourself" when required. And, "I fucked up" when required. No point in knowing how to say one without having the ability to say the other.

It's important to find in you - that which drives you. It's money - great - go make a pile of money. Fame - go be famous. Women - go screw a few hundred. Jack Nicholson has screwed over 2000 - and he has all three.

You want to be Jack Nicholson - then what the fuck - BE JACK NICHOLSON. There's nothing stopping you.

It's important to strike a balance between your personal and professional life - and keep a DISTINCT distance or difference between both. It's a discipline.

Self-Motivation is also a discipline. One that's important to develop. Just like 'Execution' (not killing people) is also a discipline. The ability to get-things-done. Different people have different ways of getting it done - but as long as the job is done, that's all that matters.

Self-Motivation is about being able to be positive - at will. You hand an accident? Your mother died? You just fucked up on a big project and lost a tender?

These are all realities and possibilities. And yet the expression goes, "Grace under fire". Some people shine out bright when the chips are down. If you know one've these people - you in turn are lucky to be shining in that light, because one've the amazing things with these kind of people is that if you are loyal and true - they'll take you with them on the journey. The journey towards living an extraordinary life.

I was once told that, "If you want to live an extraordinary life, you'll have to face extraordinary problems." Which is why when today i'm faced with a seemingly unsurmountable position - i say, "Fuck you, you think you'll get me down? Go fuck yourself first." That might seem more than just a little arrogant - and not really 'realistic' - but it keeps me going. It makes me think. It stops me from wallowing in, "What next?" or "What do i do?". All that shit is just a waste of time - you can't get ahead in life thinking about the past.

I just had an epiphany...

"...you can't get ahead in life thinking about the past."

My thought for the day.

For?Where?How?Which?Why?

Our life begins with a search. Search for an egg to fertilize. Search for light while coming into the world. Search for familiar faces while you're there. While you live through it. And before you die. Search is perpetual. It perpetuates every pore of our existence. You're hungry - you search. You're thirsty you search. You're tired - you search. You're angry - you search. What you search for is an individual choice, unique to each individual. You love - you search. You hurt - you search. You're happy - you search. Or does search end when you're happy...it doesn't because you search for sustained happiness or greater happiness or constant happiness. So the search never ends. Dog goes for a walk, he searches. Cat is on the prowl, it searches.

I'm searching. Y'know, the more you say the same word over and over again - it starts sounding strange. The more familiar it is, the stranger it sounds, because you suddenly notice intonations and gaps and what not - within on word, "search". Say it seven or eight times really slowly - listening to the word come out of your mouth and you'll know what i mean. Your ears search. Your brain programs your ears to search. All search is in the pursuit of happiness.

We make constant choices in our everyday lives. The choice to take an alternative route to work because you'll avoid a traffic jam - so you'll be happier. The choice to work a little later so you can finish the project in time and keep your client happy. The choice to spend a little extra time and care while getting ready so you'll keep a certain someone happy. We constantly make choices to keep ourselves happy. These choices themselves stem from the search to keep yourself and people around you - happy.

Happiness is so intangible. You don't know when something or someone might turn a corner and make you happy or vice-versa.

And then someone comes in and does just that. Make you happy.