What if you had a black board duster with which you could erase certain events and memories in your life? What if you had that option? Or if someone else did that to you...
Last night i watched a movie called 'The Forgotten' which was about the US government supposedly trying out experiments on humans where they were trying to define the tangible energy that is generated in even thinking about memories and holding onto them.....it is a thought.....and you are using some energy in thinking of it...
That sounds more like a science experiment, but this movie was about a mother losing her son in an aircrash and all evidence of this crash being completely wiped out...from national records...newspapers....to the extent of her own husband not remembering they had a son.....and eventually not even remembering they themselves were married.....
Cuz all 'memories' were wiped out. She was an experiment. There were suggestions of it being 'alien' driven...especially towards the end of the film.
Imagine that. A total wipeout of memories. In 'Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind' it's a wipeout of memories to do with someone you loved once...or someone you wanted to forget. In 'The Forgotten' it was an experiment to see if a mother can let go of the reality of having a child by wiping out her memories associated with that child. In 'The Hours' - ghosts have no memory of their own death. To them the 'living' are the ghosts that keep appearing and disappearing.
Imagine...to just completely forget. Or to wipe out - by choice. To even deny....not deny....that is no denial, because you've wiped out the very source of those memories....would that be possible?
To choose - to wipe out....
What of people who wake up one day....or a more believable scenario is - wake up one day after being in a coma to see a sea of strangers standing in front of them. The 'sea' consists of a father, a mother, a brother, an aunt....family.
Not more than strangers anymore....no recollection of any memories.....no memories at all.
Like '50 first dates'. Wake up every morning and think it's the same date...same day...you're going to have the same breakfast, meet the same people, they stage the same elaborate show....for the rest of your life.
Or like 'Tehzeeb' in Salaam-e-Ishq...where she's loved by someone unconditionally who only wants to make new memories with her....even if none of the old one's are there anymore....even if....it's as if they never existed.
Today i was having a chat with my colleague and he was telling me about how he and his brother had grown apart over time because his brother seemed to be doing his own thing. Reminded me of how my brother and i went through a phase for a few years where he seemed to be doing his own thing and i missed spending time with him the way we used to a few years ago....and in talking to my colleague today i realized that there's no point in holding onto the memories that there were from the past...because the person you're associating the memories with has changed...he has evolved - and you're the one stuck in a time-warp because you're relating to him as he was and not as he is...
In accepting who he is today...it gave me space to have a whole new relationship with my brother...where we don't necessarily spend hours together, but spend half an hour watching t.v. together...or go out for a beer...or some coffee...or catch a movie together whenever time permits...
In accepting the non-existence of certain memories...or in letting them go there is room to create new memories. Too often we hold onto 'memories' because they're our safe haven. When all else fails...there always are memories....and they're your own...for better or for worse...and no-one can take them away from you...and you can re-live them a hundred times...experiencing those moments again...sometimes the good ones just to remember...sometimes the bad ones...just to forget.
Memory wipe-out. Total shutdown. A blank canvas.
Here - are you the optimist or a pessimist?
Do you even want to deal with a blank canvas......
I'm at the airport departure terminal; having gone through security check and now waiting to board the aircraft; still have 30mins in hand.
The last two days in Mumbai have been a 'mental refresher' more than anything else...I love coming to bombay and am already missing it...hehe...having said that, i'll be out've bombay in only another hour, so might as well savor the time left :)
...like last evening...I was meant to catch the 8.50pm flight out - which got delayed to 9.30 - and I really wasn't looking forward to anymore delays...imagine staying the night at the airport! The last thing I needed given there's so much to do once I'm back in blore. So wisely enough, I chose to take the morning flight out - on my dad's advice, otherwise I would've taken the night flight anyway, cuz I was already in bangalore in my mind...thinking about work...
...and then I zoned back in..to my grandmothers' voice...she was talking about different people calling my mum cuz she had a bad fall a few days back.and how she'd been the one telling everyone! ...and how my mum had gone into the kitchen, despite the doctor advising strict bed rest for the next 3 weeks...
I realized, ''I'm not going to get to spend too many moments like this with her'' ...so it was important that I zoned back in :)...and I'm glad I took the morning flight, cuz I know it probably meant more to her that I stayed back...I love and miss her so much...wish she comes to bangalore soon...
I also met up with my cousin and my close friend while I was here...teased them a lot *grin* ...went to Zenzi, but there was some private party happening..that Rakshanda Khan was somewhere there, being interviewed by NDTV - she has such a gorgeous smile! *sigh* ...so we left and went to Seiyo...I'm sure you can guess how particularly exciting these places were on a monday night! ...which is exactly why I wanted to be here on the weekend - were it not for the rain gods having a PP (pissing party)
Eventually, we went to Soul Fry, this really chilled out karaoke bar in bandra...all the 'P3' crowd were there, including I think almost all the ad type models..so a little bit of 'eye candy' here and there ;) ...but there also ya...bloody professional singing in the name of karaoke (which is why I don't enjoy going to Opus that much anymore) ..but it was fun...jived with Carol Gracias hehehe...sang 'Satisfaction' with my buddy, in my rocksta 'gruff' voice - had a blast!
My cuz left...so the dude and myself went to the seaside off carter road....where in the midst of some deep drunk delving into our souls - we got hit on (i think) by two very 'happy' men...we didn't pay much attention - till these gentlemen decided to hover around somewhere with buttons coming off their shirts! Hehe
...eventually went home, had a long day yesterday with work...came home..spent time with amma and now in the bus, parked outside the plane...
What i really loved about being here and probably what i'll miss the most...is the taxi ride(i got fleeced!) from the airport, sitting at the back, stopping in dadar to buy flowers, and pastries and pav bhajji!! (yummm!!)....seeing all the giant 'Aap ka Suroor' hoardings with Himesh Reshammiya (with boils on his lips)..the strong breeze at the ocean shore....walking round dadar...buying kachoris from dayaram damodar...taking the train back from santa cruz to dadar after work - the station was weeettt and filthy..but it was a sight to see how people just kept walking...the Johnny Walker ads that say, ''Keep on Walking'', are a true testament to the 'mumbai spirit'....fuck dude...these people rock!!
..then there was my randomn chat with this entrepreneur on the flight back (back in blr and on my way to work)...got talking about life and work and the kinda stuff he and his brother have done despite being so young...truly inspiring stuff...good chat :) ....and this blr weather....its only when you go out've blr and get back in do you actually realize what the fuss is about hehe...its 10am and it looks like its 7 in the morning....fresh! ...bombay weather was a bit depressing comparatively...constant rains...
But great trip overall! ....have ton of things to do and I got back to find that my dad needs my car so I have to take the 'oto'...
Any other day...I would've got a little ticked off about it...but not today :) ...life is a beautiful thing..and I'm one've the fortunate few who can stop and notice the details without breaking my momentum...so its important to appreciate that...and to take life a little less seriously ;)
This morning I got to know that there are 2 Million Afghan refugees in Pakistan - who have to be sent back to Afghanistan by 2009.
The Taliban and the Al Qaida are functioning again in the mountain ranges of Afganistan, with Osama Bin Laden possibly hiding out in Pakistan.
The British ambassador to Afghanistan believes that, ''This is not a 3yr sprint, its a 30yr marathon. These people don't want us to leave.'' Clearly it isn't a safe place for children to grow up in.
In Cambodia, 50% of their national budget (This year, $690 Million) comes in through foreign aid. Over 50 percent of the population live on a daily earning of less than 50cents a day.
"But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger"
And i'm lost in myself...
'...a sweet madness...something we should all posess...'
A full stop after a word says so much.
....I read through some've the posts from before....last year when i first started writing and even some from a few months ago...
I was amused...fascinated...sad....felt all that as i read through some've the pieces...but.....in a strange way....i found myself looking at myself...not knowing who the 'myself' was....
There was such passion in my words from a few months ago....and i know i've evolved as a person....and now there is 'space' in my mind...in my heart....for new experiences....new memories....
The past is such a comfortable place to be in....to dwell into. Everything is so...clear. Crystal. You can see your own life as clearly as you would a movie - only you're the invisible person that nobody else can see.
You see yourself in all those fights....you see yourself in all those moments....you see the world around you and what your friends were saying...feeling....it's like a 70mm movie.
You wish you could say something to yourself....maybe that's what you feel....when your 'conscience' is talking to you. ...your conscience is really you...from the future? :)
I'm sure we all have past's worthy of an oscar winning script/screenplay...cuz if you really look at it - everybody's past is rich. Rich with experiences. Some really good....some just as bad.
In a way, i'm happy i'll always have these memories to go back to....words i've captured in time...in the moments i felt i had to express them.
scratch scratch scratch scratch (my head)
...I've had an interesting last few days....saw a 'spark' somewhere ;) ...even if it was fleeting...don't know if i'll see it again hehe...
then had a really mothering class last evening....our shihan was really playing with our minds...with the energy all around...everyone was so fucked in the head...and we were advised not to drink, thankfully i heeded the advice...
how do i explain what this concept of 'playing with energy' is all about.............like this morning.....aaaah....it can't be explained....it has to be felt....
in a strange way, it's like that 'spark'...that 'connection' you feel with someone...you can't explain it....however hard you try - you'll run out of words before you can completely explain it....it has to be 'felt'....'experienced'....
it's like the 'experience' of smelling the earth after the first monsoon shower....or seeing the sunset from palolim beach, between two cliffs, in goa....or your first kiss...it's an experience....an electricty you feel in that moment....everything seems so - alive....
but - it only happens when you give yourself to that moment....completely. No holding back.
I imagine there must be some people who didn't think much of their first kiss....actually, i'm one've those people :) ....i was 17 and when it happened for the first time - it seemed more like a scene from the bold and the beautiful...i mean, not passionate type kissing and all that....but that was the image - "kiss like ridge and brooke"...and before i knew it, the moment had come and gone....that was only cuz i wasn't there - in that moment.
I felt that a few years later...the first time i fell in love.
....fighting and being in that moment is like that....when two people truly commit themselves to be in that one moment of giving and receiving - that's when they truly connect. So when i punch (read, 'try to punch') our shihan...he senses my instinct - and reacts to that.
There's a concept of striking the opponent in his future and in your past - so before he knows what's coming, you've already finished the move...
Like i said :) it can't be explained...it has to be experienced. So if you're interested in Ninjitsu classes or would like to get to know more...drop by Opus on Firday at 6.30pm - saturday at 12pm or sunday at 10am - and 'experience' it for yourself ;)
http://picasaweb.google.com/cbragz/KroakingLiveConcertPics
It seems like it's been a year almost...Mr.V said 8 months...
Was quite a crazy time...i had a real blast...chilling with everyone before and after rehearsals...what was more fun was the singing with the acoustic guitar outside in the courtyard...sitting on plastic chairs...mild flirtation in the air...lol....
It's truly amazing how far some've the singers in the concert have gone...a whole bunch of them have already sung in two big concerts (atleast 2 that i'm aware of, i'm sure there've been more)...while some others - namely me - were quite happy with their 5mins of quiet...while we sang...i sang...
It's besides the point that i had to down two large vodkas to muster up the courage to sing....i was shitting bricks dude....i kept going to the loo...singing a few notes - and invariably i'd 'squeak' on one or two and end up kicking myself....in hindsight - i really don't know how i got up there...but i did. And i enjoyed myself! :)
After that...it was a different feeling everytime i went up to sing - which wasn't too many times after that cuz i felt i had proved whatever i had to...atleast to myself...i didn't have and still don't have any ambitions of being some awesome singer....i can hold a tune...i can entertain the audience if i've held the tune long enough :) that's good enough for me...i guess i really wanted to feel the thrill of being acknowledged as a singer - cuz i'm not a siner :) ...bathroom singing...and more in hindi is what i really enjoyed up until then....
....was a truly surreal night....
Season 2 starts tonight....wish all the new 'contestants' :) the best....kick-ass dudes!
It's amazing how physical spaces can hold so many memories..
I'm sitting at nizams in indiranagar eating a chicken egg roll and I look to my left and see my ex and me sitting in the car...breaking up.
I remember having a conversation about a project where trees in public spaces would have some sort of device where people could upload their conversations or memories..and others could just 'plug and play'...also like that postcard project online where people put down their most intimate thoughts in a postcard format and post it online anonymously...
I remember having a conversation with someone about how some guy wanted to get married to a girl from another city - so they didn't have to deal with his memories with others in the variuos spaces about town...they could start afresh - correction - he.
nizaams reminds me of college...6 or 7 years back...we lived in ingr back then, and would order frequently from here...
there's a cool breeze now...accompanying a pretentious me
...comes all the way back around...
watched 'salaam-e-ishq' last night :) quite liked it...don't know what the fuss is about. It isn't a 'soul-searching' kinda movie...but an enjoyable enough movie for romantics at heart...
Also reminded me about the time i was alone at home, laying down on the floor, looking upwards and crying...bawling...
That was the first time i was in love...also the first time i broke up....it hurt so much when we broke up that her dad was consoling me over the phone...
Was such a rush to be in love...such a pure high...so simple...i miss being 20 :)...for that matter i miss being 10!
It's so strange na...when you're growing up, you always have an uncle or an aunt or a cousin telling you to 'enjoy your growing years - later you'll only have memories'...and you're like "i want to grow up quickly and drive a car!" or "i want to grow up quickly and go out on my own!"...even what you want is so simple...
Being in love is so simple...then why do we make it so complex? we make it about 'you' and 'me' and 'i want' and 'you want' and so much else that matters so little....when you're just holding hands and kissing under the stars...
i miss being in love...and truly envy you if you're in love right now :)...cuz you should also know that you're really lucky....in that....as you grow older, you grow to be more cynical....and look at love through those eyes of cynicism...and so love eludes you...
it just like lakshmi (the godess of wealth) is considered to be very 'watchful' and 'unpredictable'...if you don't give her enough importance - she'll up and walk off (much like girls in general :)
...in some way...that's where i am. I didn't respect love enough...i just didn't...and regret makes no difference now...cuz that time has past....and it's all my past....and her past....
Pain lingers...
What i wouldn't give to have a lovers spat right now
I'm watching 'Runaway Bride' (again) and Richard Gere drives a silver Chevrolet Camaro in it....earlier i caught an episode of 'Friends' which had each of them wondering what might've been had things been different....if Joey was still in 'Days of our lives' or if Monica was fat (she seems to have a lot more energy in that chubby getup)....or if Ross's wife wasn't a lesbian...
All this got me thinking (the Camaro kicked it off) about the time that my dad was in the U.S., working as a consultant to buy a hotel property there...he had it all worked out :)...he was gonna get himself a BMW 740iL and was gonna get me a Chevrolet Camaro :) ...that was if the deal went through and we shifted to the States...which we never did...
...but it does make me wonder....i was 18 then....would've got into high school maybe? ...joined a college...what would i have studied?....mmm...realizing (hopefully) that math and physics might be best friends but are no good friends of mine...would've taken up philosophy, psychology, literature, sociology...gone on roadtrips to all the big museums across the country...gone fishing on weekends (assuming there was a lake neaarby)...would've dated a little...or a lot! :) ....would my accent be 'americanized'?....probably...it's only recently that i've realized i prefer speaking 'correctly' than adapting my manner of speech to the country i might inhabit - not being a native of that country...
...would've lived in the library (having made sure the college/university i went to had a really good library)...would've discovered Ray Charles, James Brown, Ella Fitzgerald...secret poetry reading societies....or readings at the old gym behind the pool hehe....seen the history behind America...gone on roadtrips....fallen in love on one've those trips lol...as you can see, i'm quite a romantic...;)
Actually, i think i would've liked living in the 50's or the 70's...if nothing else, then just for the music...don't know what kinda hippie i would've made had i lived through the 'flower years' in the late 60's and early 70's...
Some 'fantasizing' before the year ends :) ...lets see what 'realities' the new one has in store!
i sound like such a fucking 'goody two shoes' types sometimes...was reading through the post below....i think that's one major misconception that people have about me...
"Karn's a sweet chap. Nice guy". I'm not a fucking nice guy dude :) ...i've had my fair share of fucked up choices with people, places and all that...
Got an sms from a friend earlier today...haven't been in touch with him cuz of something that happened in the past...think it's time to lay down the ghosts of the past...
I'm so tired it isn't funny...need sleep...
i wish life were simpler. the so called point i'm making about not being a nice guy is cuz i'm tired...and so in a sulky, foul mood...also cuz something unfortunate happened bet me and another friend recently...that's been bothering me...maybe i am too much of a nice guy sometimes...
Nice guys don't necessarily finish last...it's just that they get taken for a ride a lot more than everybody else...i know people who say, "I've been screwed over, now it's my turn to mess around with people's heads"...what's the fucking point man? Ever heard of - 'Send out negative vibes and they come right back at you' - ???
You make a mistake...you deal with it - and move on. No fucking point crying over spilt milk and spilt whatever else... The point it - you deal with it before moving on. Then again, the 'Ostrich Syndrome' seems to be just as popular, if not more...
I want to go swimming...in the sea..like i did when i was 7...there was always a clear sky...and a twinkle in my eyes...everything was so simple...i brushed my teeth with the red colgate toothpaste...had three pairs of sandals...wore shorts and t-shirts...played in the sand...played with my dog 'snowy'...my grandma was around...i miss her...she would tell me stories from the ramayan and mahabharat before going to sleep...i would ride my 'BSA Champ' cycle....with side wheels...life was so simple....love was so pure....
