Like any other day. Wakeup in the morning, get ready - 4 hours of class. 3 today because i was an hour late.
The longer you train, the more your relationship with 'class' as it were - changes. Today i'm training for my 2nd kyu exam - to happen soon. So that is my focus - with the larger goal being my black belt.
And in that 'focus' - i noticed something about someone else's relationship with 'focus'. Su and and i trained today for quite a while, and i noticed that whenever she tried to do a technique fast, she didn't 'get it' and would beat herself up over it - but the moment she slowed down - she got the technique immediately.
Also noticed how Nandi didn't expend extra energy - she said what she wanted to say in explaining a technique, demonstrated it and then, "Play!"
Clarity. Crisp Focus. In pursuit of my goal i'm becoming like a horse with blinkers - 10 degree vision. But it's important to acknowledge the need for a 'collective focus' as well. Especially while doing Suburi. As an individual there's only so much i can train - i could train for weeks, months and years - and not know how much or if i've grown at all. And the moment you train with another individual - it changes completely. Like language.
Look forward to training with Shiva, Preetam and Nikolaj soon. Santosh & Arjun - in time.
I went today for a 'saturday class' (it's in inverted commas cuz saturday class is for 4 hours) after a while...
As preparation for Arnaud Cousergue's (Bujinkan 15th Dan - you can google him) visit in February, the format of the classes has changed slightly. Now, only our Shidoshi takes class. Earlier some classes were taken by the senior most students - but since Arnaud will be here in Feb, if at all there are any 'faults' that are pointed out, our Shidoshi wants it to be his fault - and not anybody elses. That - is called leading by example.
Today in class, as part of our training, before we formally began class, our Shidoshi talked to us for about 20 minutes - while all of us sat in 'Saisa', which is basically a seated posture where you tuck ur legs in under you and sit on your haunches - and believe me - your ankles start paining within the first 3 minutes. It was painful sitting like that, but it was part of our training. Accepting the pain is part of training, much like life.
Today our Shidoshi also said that a lot of the time when we get hit by a blow - we stop. Cuz it hurts. So we think about and ruminate over the pain. Instead of continuing to move. If you train that way in the dojo - that's what will happen in a real fight - you'll stop. Or you won't have gone through the conditioning required to continue. This is so true of life as well.
Many a time when we're hit by a blow, be it emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, financial - we stop and think and cry about the 'hurt' and 'pain' and 'anguish' that the blow has caused us and how it is effecting our peace of mind and so on and so forth. Instead of just moving - continuing - getting up and carrying on.
Not to long ago, i went through a very emotionally draining breakup with someone i was seeing. It was draining in the way things happened and that i hadn't listened to and paid attention to all the 'signs' that were really staring me in the face - but i turned the proverbial 'blind eye'. I reacted to the breakup and dealt with it in the way i felt fit at the time - not realizing that there could be a different way - which i now see. Hindsight is a beautiful thing.
In experiencing that blow, i made a 'decision' based on the circumstances at that time coupled with my past experiences. That decision could effectively have ruled my life had i let it do so - thereby effecting in some way or the other - my future relationships. But then in light of what i heard today...it's just stupid to think that way. Sure, it would be easy to stick by the choice i'd made in that moment of 'pain' - to not deal with things - but escapism is for sissies. Really.
I mean you learn soooooo much more in getting up after receiving one punch than you would learn in an entire lifetime of trying to escape - and that's what fighting is. You can run and hide or you can 'face the music'. If the music is death metal - then its sure to rattle a few bones, but then if you have it in you to - just - get - up - the death metal will sound like the london symphony orchestra soon enough.
There are certain things i'm proud about in my life - certain things i've persevered with. Got up from the blows and learnt from them. From some others - i still have to learn to accept and counter those punches.
There are TONNS and MILLIONS of people out there in life who perpetually are only to happy to land an emotional blow, financial blow, mental blow and even physical blow - to get you down. In reacting to the blow and stopping - that's exactly what we do. We give them the satisfaction they SO do not deserve.
Ofcourse it's tough to get up - i'm not Buddha that i accept whatever comes my way...or I'm not a Gandhi for that matter. But i do see logic in their teachings - and i also see logic in carrying on. And if i'm not mistaken - that - was one've the 'keys' in their teachings. To move. To not be stationary.
Be like water. Adapt to your surroundings and your environment. Someone hits you - so what? It hurts - so what? It's hard to get over or give up on - so what? Its gonna put you in a tight spot - so what?
So - what??
Move. In asking all the questions of how, what, when, why, which - blah blah blah blah BLAH - you're wasting time.
From the time you started reading this entry to now reading these lines, its been what - a few minutes? These minutes ain't comin back. And there's no point in wishing they did.
Absorb the blow, but also learn in time to Block, Counter, Deflect and ultimately Evade. All of which happens through training.
All of which starts with you getting up after that blow.
last evening...after training, we got talking with our shidoshi...
During training he'd said, "Your Kihon-happo matures with your emotional maturity" (Your understanding of distance, timing, rhythm - through the 'form' or the 'waza')
I asked him what he meant and he said that, "...what i actually meant was that in order to get to the 'cosmic stuff' (where we just fly around without actually being touched) ...you have to first go through the rigours of structured training...of learning and training the waza over and over and over again...if you went straight to the cosmic stuff, you'd go a little cuckoo in the head...because your body will not have had the requisite 'memories' or 'experiences' to handle the cosmic stuff..."
In a way, what i also understood was that in life we can go through a lot of experiences...and have all those memories and experiences stored in our minds...so that when we next encounter such experiences, we can maybe counter them or know how to react to them.....but our bodies....or maybe in this case - if the self-discipline to deal with the old experiences as well as the new ones that keep adding up....if you haven't structured how you're going to deal with them - in your mind...or in your heart...(which is it i wonder)....eitherway - if you haven't put in the requisite self-discipline to deal with everything that's already happened and everything that's likely or going to happen - you will invariably just find yourself 'floating' or in a place where you're mind is likely to go a little 'cuckoo'....anytime....
Because just like in Ninjutsu, where people collect technique after technique...focussing only on what they see in front of them and working with that - and not looking beyond...thereby stunting their own growth....in life too, if we (this is my interpretation) ...go through life from one experience to another, collecting experiences - without ever taking stock of what we have or what it is that we're actually collecting and how it's effecting our life or just our outlook to life...i think that's an unsafe place to be....cuz what are you learning really?
I do believe that you learn from most things that happen to you in life....you can either have that outlook or just choose to go through the experiences...without ever questioning them...or you can maybe strike a balance - where you do 'experience' certain things moment for moment - while stopping to question certain things too...I think we'd all like to think that we employ that 'balance' or we strive to...but to what degree? Only to that degree that suits us?
What he said yesterday did irk me a bit...i mean, the concept of having knowledge earlier than your body (heart) is willing enough....or mature enough to accept...and vice-versa....where your body has been through many experiences, yet your mind is trying to play catch-up...
When i did 'A midsummer night's dream'....many summers ago :)....one've the dancers, infact the main dancer who played 'Oberon'...he said to me that, "In your everyday life, every 45 days you go through cycles of mental, emotional and physical balance or imbalance....i.e. you might feel mentally and emotionally fit - but physically low.....or physically and emotionally fit...but mentally stressed....and so on"
I think based on what my shidoshi said yesterday....it could even be that this theory goes beyond the 45day cycle...i think in some cases it even applies to months and years....maybe even decades...where there is mental and physical stability....but emotional imbalance....and such things could come from just being through many experiences...without ever taking stock of what we've been through...and i think a lot of people go through these stages at different points in their lives...
So often we meet people where you can see a little more....hahahahhaha....as someone i knew once said - "this is your ''psychiatrist/psychologist' side speaking"
....we meet people where you see a little more...sometimes more than you'd like to be seeing....and that happens only if you want to...in my case, i overdo it sometimes :) which creates a whooole different set of problems for me! ....but i guess i do it cuz i love people...meeting people...getting to know new people...and in feeling that way...ummm...
I guess i've got to learn to rein in my 'interest' in people sometimes...cuz it can get intrusive sometimes. People don't always like you guessing or trying to guess their private thoughts...
...you live and learn...
or...for the future...
"live...and let live"
Many a time, I get a move wrong cuz i'm not punching right. It's usually when i'm punching too fast.
True, we do train with the intention of a real fight - and in a real fight, the actual fight is most definitely not slow. So, why the need to train slowly?
It's the same logic as driving slowly when you're first learning to drive. Anyone can drive fast - and ur first instinct is to step on the gas - but pacing your drive teaches you more about the optimum time between gear shifts, how much you need to actually press the accelerator to get to 100, what is the turning radius of the car and so on. The details show up when you do something slowly - its a different issue whether you notice the details or not :)
And you actually enjoy things when you do them slowly - like swimming. It really relaxes you physically and mentally when you just lounge about in a pool...or making love to someone. It seems more 'real'. More intimate. Just...so much 'more'. This also applies to relationships. Being on the fast-track and rushing things or each other - you just miss out...on taking it slow :)
Ninjutsu is like that too. When you're training with your partner, it's a little play of give and take...there's mutual sharing, but that comes from being 'aware' of each other. Of what is pertinent to say or do in that moment. And you get the best out of all this in taking things slow. In training slowly - but with intent. If you train slowly but with no intent - you might as well train fast and beat each other up - atleast you'll learn something. In a way that's the corollary to doing something slow.
If ur doing something slowly just for the sake of doing so - for someone else or for the situation or some excuse/reason like that - you're just going through the motions. You don't end up learning anything. Training slowly still means that you train with the intent to move forward, to learn something - to be at the next level.
Things also seem clearer when you train slowly. It takes longer to assimilate the details - so don't expect instant results. But learning not to force the issue is a very important lesson to learn. In an actual fight, when things are heated and tense - having the ability to slow things down becomes paramount if everyone has to walk away unscathed.
Having said that - once ur in it...there's no turning back. You go for the kill. In that moment - nothing else exists. Only your will to survive.
My opinionated mind is searching for an appropriate ending to this piece! ...forcing your thoughts or rushing through them doesn't help....or rushing anything else for that matter.
Stability.
Adaptation.
Focus.
Change.
All in one.
These were the words I took away from Cavin's seminar today. For some strange reason, I have 'Imagine' by John Lennon playing in my head. I'm sure it isn't just by chance.
Things don't always happen 'by chance'. They happen more by design. Ironic - that word should come in.
Its like I was meant to wake up at 1.15 because of a phone call; then have a bath, say my prayers, and write about this evening.
It's very important to have 'Stability' in your life. Leading a stable life creates a whole new realm of peace and calm in your personal and professional life. Having 'Stability' gives you room to move with certainty. To move with clarity. Uncertainty is a result of instability. Stability gives you a sense of feeling assured. Of resting assured. It's important to have stability in your pprofessional life - and especially in business, conveying or projecting a sense of stability ensures business growth.
Stability lays a strong foundation. Being stable allows you to adapt to your environment. We live in volatile times, so the ability to adapt is key to survival. Not being 'rigid' in ones actions and thoughts is very important. Learn to adapt like water. Learn to be stable first like the earth. If there is a boulder ahead of you - adapt to be able to move around it. If there is a problem straight ahead - be stable enough to have the ability to adapt to the situation, if that is what is required to find a solution.
When you have a strong foundation and are stable and have the ability to be adapt to your environment - you can then move with 'Focus'. Wham! Go for the kill. The equivalent would be a VC first sizing up the market, identifying his opportunities, creating a strong foundation of research - while also adapting to different situations because the marketplace is so fickle. Once he is stable and knows he can adapt to whatever comes his way - he focuses his energies and goes for the kill. Wham! Not holding back. Being focussed also brings clarity - but the ability to be focussed comes from being stable and being adaptable as a person. Being flexible. Focus your energies on - one - point. And you will hit your target. Wham! Everytime.
Being Stable, being adaptable/flexible, being focussed. All are important. As is the ability to 'change'. Change or Transformation is sometimes required of you -when you least expect it and when you least want it - but you're able to change and with minimal hassles when you're calm, are open to adapting and then remaining focussed.
All are linked. All are one. Chi. Sui. Ka. Fu. Khu.
Earth. Water. Fire. Wind. Void/Nothingness/All in one. I prefer 'all in one' as opposed to 'void'.
All in 'one' - with you being 'the one' - and having all of these elements inside of you - allows you to move freely. With no preconceived notions.
To move freely. To move naturally. To move in peace.
....I had class again this saturday and all my notions of 'humiliation' and what not came crashing down... :)
It's so easy to make yourself out to be the one suffering or at the receiving end of someone else's agenda...
On sat my Shidoshi shared with us how this dojo is the only place that he has seen where a black belt trains with a black belt, a 6th kyu trains with a 6th kyu and a white belt trains with a white belt - and that really isn't how we're all collectively meant to train. Abroad, in most places, everyone trains with everyone - i.e. a black belt might train with a 8th kyu, a 5th dan with a 12th dan and so on. The only reason that hasn't happened over here so far - is because we haven't yet learnt to train with absolute honesty.
Training with complete honesty is - when you're punching someone in the face - you punch to take his head off. Not a practice punch that's going to stop just short of his nose anyway - cuz that way he isn't going to train. And neither are you. Training with the 'real' feeling is very important. In Japanese, 'Jissen' translates into 'real life' and also 'real fight'. So apt that one should be linked to the other.
This evening onwards, for the rest of the week, we have a 11th Dan from Germany taking class for 2 hours everyday. A few months back we had a 15th Dan take a 2 day seminar with us...and that was mind blowing...cuz basically, training with someone who is so much better than you automatically raises your bar several notches. The tricky part is maintaining your balance once you're up there.
The same with design. I've always made a conscious effort to work with people who are better skilled than me - that way i stand to benefit in working with them or learning from them as much as i might be trying to contribute to their growth. I can honestly say that although i don't do as much design anymore, i've probably become a better designer purely by associating with better designers. If i were to work with designers with a similar or possibly lesser skill than mine - then their growth, as well as mine, would be limited to my imagination...or my vision...and even your vision/imagination is stretched only when you're exposed to so much more....outside of your own world...
So, i don't know what kind of a martial artist i'll be in a week from today. I do know that i'll have evolved...and i also know that we'll be having a grading soon after that...so it'll be yet another growth curve....and one as a result of trusting someone else...
Implicit faith isn't easy given our cynical ways of thinking - but it's possible....if you look at it with an open heart
http://bambi.typolis.net/stories/14415/
...I haven't been writing much of late so decided to do some reading instead. Read this post just now...I think its written with a sense of wonder..though I don't agree with some of it.
True, in conversation and in life we're so many people to so many people and a lot of the time - so many people to our own selves. In learning and knowing about ourselves, it is important to know and acknowledge all these different shades to our personalities - good, bad and ugly. But I don't agree that each and every one of those 100 odd people inside ourselves should be indulged - under the premise of experiencing and living life completely.
Its very easy to get carried away that way...like a hippie life. They were all 'gods children' and 'flower childs', but they were also LSD, cocaine and heroin addicts - that's a personal choice, yes, but I guess it also comes with the degree of awareness of yourself and your surroundings. Which is why the expression - 'to make an informed choice/decision'. Its easy to be self-indulgent, difficult to make an 'informed decision' cuz the latter invariably involves taking into account the views and opinions of people around you - and even if you don't, more importantly, it involves being aware of how your actions might affect people around you.
Like right now - iv started training again after a gap of a month and a half - and I truly suck. In my first long class since I started again - my shidoshi actually made me train with the beginners for one part of the class - which was expressly humiliating :) I kid you not! But I made an 'informed choice' that very moment. I chose to keep training - with an open heart. I.e. whatever came - i'd deal with it...at that point I even contemplated having to actually start from scratch - do six exams again to get to where I am today -and I accepted it...if I really had to do that (if he asked that of me) - i'd do it. Fortunately...the rest of the class went a little better and I trained with my kyu grade thereafter...
But it was a lesson in approaching life with an open heart....too often we approach life and see life as 'right brain robots' - through logic, structure and rules. 'This should be like this' and 'That should be like that'. As we grow older we view life through a series of boxes - and even the 'living life completely' invariably falls into the confines of the box cuz we'll only do what we're comfortable doing.....but through approaching training with an open heart, I could look beyond the humiliation (thinking back..it was more what others might've thought I felt...to a greater degree than what I actually felt) and focus on the bigger picture.....actually....it wasn't even that...in training with an open heart - I just trained :) ...not thinking of much else. And that was liberating in a way...felt good...
The next coupl've weeks will be tough just the same. Even after that class - when I went for class on tuesday - I wanted to not be there..but I saw that time through. Acknowledging self doubt - however momentary - is actually the best way to get over it.
So going back to where all this started from - I think when you live life with an open heart, in awareness of yourself and the people around you - you could possibly experience a whole lot more and with a better feeling than just going through life wanting to 'experience everything once'....cuz some've them might actually end up being regrets....the idea behind an open heart is to give more and live less in the expectation of receiving more. And in giving more - you actually end up experiencing more.
All of this is coming from a class that happened recently...so theres a lot of practise to come...shit loads actually...so lets see what 'living life with an open heart' throws up...
...one've the members of Bujinkan India (training with us) recently went to Japan to train with the grandmaster and his highest ranked students (15th Dan). She was there for three weeks and got to attend 9 Soke (Japanese for grandmaster) classes and another 10 or 11 - 15th Dan classes.
Her ranking in our dojo is of a beginner - but - the way she moved today made each and every one of us (including our Shidoshi) - want to cry. I mean...it was INSANE...the way she moved so...fluidly....barely touching anyone and yet - the threat - ....was so *real*.
She took the class today only becuz she was back from Japan - and our Shidoshi was stressing on the fact that whenever you're back from Japan it becomes so much more important that you share that feeling from having trained in the presence of the grandmaster.
The 'feeling'...uhhh.......is really....difficult...yea.....no..... EXTREMELY difficult...to put into words. Point is that the experience of that feeling - is like no other.
It's like kickboxing and tai chi....kick boxing would be our day to day training (though it's a really bad example and i reeeeaaallllyyyy hope my Shidoshi doesn't find out i'm comparing Ninjutsu to kickboxing!!)....and the feeling of ....'living'....'sensing energy'...'moving naturally'.....moving with natural instinct....would be what training in Japan is like. It's a crude example simply because my own understanding of it is so limited - plus i've never trained in Japan.
For me...it's like....experiencing certain feelings/emotions that you experience only in certain scenarios....in very specific situations. And thereby it becomes almost your responsibility to share that with people around you...because that feeling is something that you only ever feel....so rarely.
I mean...sometimes you're so overwhelmed by something that you feel...that you're almost....confused (?) in feeling the way you do? ... i dunno really....i mean....you try and rationalize it and you try and slot it or try and make sense of it....and yet .....there's no logic to explain it.
It's just a 'feeling'. It's there.
So you either accept it....and possibly grow from it...or whatever else...
Or you deny it - to yourself. Because it's something you feel. And in denying it...atleast to me....you're not being honest - with yourself. But that's each individual's own choice.
I guess the 'feeling' is really 'instinct'. Time and time again we're told to 'trust your instincts'....and yet....self doubt and insecurity prevail.
And in that we miss out on experiencing the purity of true 'feelings'.
"The camp is over. It was over in a snap - like death.
I pushed myself in this camp - and survived. Survival is from moment to moment - not tomorrow, not 5 minutes - but now."
"First thought - I honestly don't remember...if anything, I remember being more exhausted than I've ever been in my lifetime - ever.
Training with Zam. Group Suburi. Training from the Densho. Safari drive. Barbeque. Choice between Suburi and getting layed.
That was the day."
