»now«

A heightened state of awareness. I wrote about this many months ago.

I just watched 'Great Expectations' for the first time. And now it's one've my favourite movies to watch. It seemed so ....real. The story was a contemporary fairytale - but the emotion with which was expressed was more real than some real people care to feel.

Over the last few weeks, i've been left pondering about who my friends are. There are some i feel a sense of 'competition' with. Other who insist on taking potshots at my expense. Yet others with whom it's unpredictable. Am i being overtly judgemental? Or are my relationships with people i've known for some time now...evolving?

Sometimes as a result of evolution, things better. Other times, they don't - they just move into a different direction. And people grow apart. With two of my friends, i feel that happening. Maybe i am judgemental. Is this also part of 'growing up'?

"Choosing" - ?

Making selfish choices. Friends that contribute to my growth - and so i choose to contribute to theirs. "Matlabi Duniya". "A dog eat dog world".

* SNAP *

...and ties break. Am i being overdramatic? Maybe...My problem is that i'm too nice, and people take advantage of that. No - i let them. I smile and laugh it off. Under the pretext of, "I'm not like this - how can they be? How can people be like this?"

People are the way they are. If certain choices have to be made - they have to be made. Life goes on.

Over estimating friendships can be a dangerous thing. Something i wouldn't advise. Have i over-estimated some? I'll know soon.

It hurts when you realize that you've cut off a part of your personality in return for something else.

Something new. Something unexplored.

Something beautiful.

Sacrifice can be a beautiful thing. It allows peace. Quiet.

It's like wading through water...just below the surface. One world is a breath away - and yet you do and want to - hold your breath. For as long as it takes to completely experience this one. The one just below the surface.

It blows your mind.

At the same time there is a perpetual sense of stillness. Stillness that comes with perpetual motion. Where everything and everyone else around you seems to be wading through water - far below the surface. And you're the only one with access to two different worlds.

As you shoot through the surface - the water holds onto you. Doesn't want to let go. But clarity is such that nobody can stop you from exploring and experiencing that alternative universe.

It's a calm that nobody can deny you. It's yours.

Many a time the one thing that we want to be closest to us or be closest to - draws itself further away...

It's so easy to find solace in that statement and not make an effort for it to be any other way. Of late, my entire life has been about 'change'. For that matter, 'change' and 'perseverance' have been about the main constants in my life over the last few years.

Today, after 12 years, i'll be catching up with a classmate of mine from the 10th standard.

I make that statement and inwardly.....feel a restlessness. Of not wanting to get comfortable.

What is it with me and chasing a sense of 'discomfort'? I know I do that a lot in the quest of learning more about a given situation i might be involved in or the 'spot' i might be in at that point in time. I associate 'comfort' with stillness. No motion. Static. And yet there's energy - 'static'.

There's a growing restlessness within me...because of being 'static' for too long. Of pushing boundaries - and yet not enough. Of yearning for more - and yet not enough.

Not enough.

Of the constants in my life over the years, has been an observation a friend of mine makes whenever i speak with her:
"You push yourself too much and take things too seriously. You need to learn to relax."

My problem is that i've made the most of the opportunities in my personal life, but not those in my professional life. So there's this constant need to do more, be more, say more, see more....and in that constant give and take in my mind...inbetween all of that ...is 'me'.

Yesterday - after a really long time, i went to watch a foreign language film. Since last week i've started wearing t-shirts again, during the week. A couple've days back i went for a walk...in the train station.

My life is, and always will be a summary of all the little moments i spent doing, enjoying, observing, being 'in'...the little moments.

My life will also be about that give and take - and where that will take me.

Focus...when clear...is absolute. And with absolute focus, comes a tremendous sense of calm. Like the softness of the horizon in the distance.....stretching far beyond the sense of melting into the deep blue ocean...at my feet.